Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
