He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
