she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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