I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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