I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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