If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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