you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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