I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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