Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize