Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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