ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
