Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
