i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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