12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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