Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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