we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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