And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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