he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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