found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
