You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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