I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just found puke in my bra..
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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