Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
