You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
