I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
