i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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