Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
