I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
