If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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