my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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