whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
