the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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