So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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