I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs