my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
