So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
