I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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