he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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