It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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