I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
