My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
