the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
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Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
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Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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