He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
