I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
