Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
