I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
