I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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