tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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