So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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