i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
