i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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