if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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