i already hear my dad disowning me
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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