I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
