She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
