So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize