you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
