I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
